breathe.

to worship you.

2009-10-14T21:45:00.002-04:00

life's been crazy. Busy. i'm not in school this semester, so I've been able to work- save money to buy a new car and camera. my heart's been in limbo with what i am to do starting next semester. i thought that what i wanted to do was occupational therapy with children. lately i've been feeling worship is my call... i've been told that i will be a worship leader. now, i'm just confused. still young, trying to not lose heart. should I go back to Liberty? is it a bad thing to say if I could do it all over again i would? i constantly miss lynchburg and the campus. crazy right? my experience was not a bad one with the school, it was the friends i associated myself with. i became a stale christian. i didn't grow. i went to liberty expecting a life changing experience, i know that most have recieved that, however i didn't get it. it was all my fault too... i was let free. had to accountability. spent time with "friends" that just brought me down. brought me down so much. i want to go back... now to be a worship leader. i think it will be wonderful experience... i want to completely submerge myself in the music there. i want to write, lead, sing and praise Jesus. i've grown a lot. a whole lot.

I must be insane.

2009-08-14T14:36:00.003-04:00

I have signed up for a 530 am boot camp. I will be working out for an hour every mon/wed/fri.
I bought new workout gear! A matt and new weights! I'm so excited.

I do know that I will regret this for a few days... However the final outcome is going to be totally worth it!

I will try to keep you updated.

I saw Julie and Julia last night, its a fantastic movie. I loved it.
It has really inspired me to cook more than I do now.

I didn't get into the school for the semester, the program is closed... I've been waitlisted... :( This semester there will be no school! I hope to save money to buy a new car (at least new to me).

There are exciting things in store for me. So many things.

shakened, but not moved.

2009-08-12T15:29:00.002-04:00

I can feel it... something about to start.
Lately I've been moving into a deeper worship, singing until I'm hoarse. In my car, the shower, leading at church.
I'm learning so much. I've been super blessed with a Bible Study on Monday nights... its small but so great, I fully enjoy getting a weekly dose of girly-filled fun. Prayer and fellowship with other women my age... our 20-somethings. I'm really feeling more of a call to worship, to lead others in, to grow deeper with God and worship Him daily. I'm noticing a change in my spirit, I'm more gracious and patient with people. I don't get as frustrated with some. I'm not going to school this semester... So I'm hoping that something will open up, more of a full-time job type thing and more opportunities to minister in church.
Today has been a jarring day... I'm just trying to figure things out.

Vote For Me!!!

2009-07-24T15:39:00.000-04:00

My Favorite Photo (I've Ever Taken)
Brickfish

Funny :)

2009-07-08T19:51:00.001-04:00

How would you pronounce this child's name?

Le-a

Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.

This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced "Ledasha". When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash. If they axe you why, tells them the dash don't be silent.

doubt?

2009-07-08T10:14:00.002-04:00

Therefore we have been buried with Him through baptism into death, so that as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, so we too might walk in newness of life. Romans 6:4

Such encouragement! After weeks, even months of feeling doubt and uncertainty, I finally let go of my pride and opened up about the battle inside my heart. I've been such a target for insecurity in the ONE thing that I have been secure in for at least 10 years. My salvation and faith in my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I have been so wrapped up "knowing" that the prayer I had prayed years ago was no longer valid. "Its like being saved all over again". Returning to the basics of Christianity. Realizing that you cannot be the one to save yourself.
Knowing that Christ held onto MY sin and I was with Him and DIED with Him, now I've been RAISED with Him and NO LONGER have to DIE.

Whenever our conscience condemns us, we will be reassured that God is greater than our conscience and knows everything. 1 John 3:20

My heart, not matter how often I feel I am certainly geared towards Hell, is being held in the hands of my Loving Father. He knows everything. He knows that I have felt this uncertainty and doubt. He hasn't been absent, He has seen it all. Its my job to re-establish the relationship. Its my job to pursue Him. He's a gentleman, He won't force His way in, I must allow Him in and allow Him to change my heart.

Vote For Me! :)

2009-07-07T22:34:00.001-04:00

My Favorite Photo (I've Ever Taken)
Brickfish

2009_0102AN

2009-02-23T18:33:00.001-05:00

2009_0102AN
Originally uploaded by emily morgans

December 2008.

2009-02-03T13:06:00.000-05:00

"...bye bye miss american pie..."

Psalm 55:22

2009-02-02T22:47:00.001-05:00

Cast your cares on the LORD
and he will sustain you;
he will never let the righteous fall.

:)

2009-01-27T22:29:00.003-05:00

I'm weakest when I first wake and right before I sleep.
I'm happiest in my dreams and drift away during reality.

I'm trying my hardest to depend on God, allow Him to love me.
To fill the empty spaces in my heart.

2009-01-27T15:14:00.002-05:00

"He heals the brokenhearted
And binds up their wounds."

2009-01-26T08:30:00.003-05:00

I'm not a quitter, I'm not going to give up.
I've told you this already, but I don't want to fight in vain.
Please, please, please hear me when I say
"lets work this through"
A break might be what it takes,
But I promise, I will always love you.
I'm hurting,
You've broken my heart.
I pray it won't stay this way,
I want a new start.
We've come this far, but for what?
To see what things could be...
then have them ripped away from us?

Will you fight with me? Or are you just going to give up?
Is my heart the only one breaking?
Please let me know,
Let me know your heart.

I want to be pursued, I want to know you care.
I want to be numb to the feeling of heart ache, I don't want to cry anymore.
I can't say goodbye just yet,
There is not a good explanation for why we are apart.

Maybe a break is what it will take,
We aren't done.
We've got so much potential.
You're my best friend.

I don't give up that easily.

2009-01-26T06:46:00.000-05:00

my heart is breaking

2009-01-25T23:19:00.001-05:00

moulin rouge... a whore-house it may be, however a breath taking movie...

I think its my new favorite.

2009-01-24T12:31:00.001-05:00

it all looks so glorious...surrounded by the ones you think you love...
deep down you're still lonely, searching and hurt

2009-01-21T09:49:00.003-05:00

let it all out
rip it out, remove it
don't be alarmed, when the wound begins to bleed
'cause we're so scared to find out,
(what life's all about)
so scared we're gonna lose it
not knowing all along, that's exactly what we need

and today I'll trust you with the confidence
of (one) who's never known defeat,
but tomorrow upon hearing what I did,
I will stare at you in disbelief
Oh, inconsistent me, crying out for consistency

You said "I know that this will hurt, but if I don't break your heart, things will just get worse, if the burden seems to much to bear, remember, 'The end will justify the pain it took to get us there'"

and I'll let it be known,
times I have shown
signs of all my weakness
but somewhere in me, there is stregnth
you promise me,
(that you believe)
in time I will defeat this,
somewhere in me there is stregnth

you said
"I know that this will hurt, but if I don't break your heart, things will just get worse, if the burden seems to much to bear, remember, 'The end will justify the pain it took to get us there'".

2009-01-13T13:30:00.000-05:00

lately everything has been "bleh"
I can't get happy

last time I checked

2008-12-30T14:29:00.000-05:00

John Lennon was dead...

Merry Christmas to All.

2008-12-24T22:02:00.000-05:00

"Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. 11For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. 12And this will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in swaddling cloths and lying in a manger." 13And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying,
14"Glory to God in the highest,
and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!"

luke 2:10-14

2008-12-22T15:34:00.002-05:00

I've finished my shopping... got an awesome bag for my mom :) a fishing pole for my dad! and some cool slippers with memory foam for him too... and a purse for my sister...

I'm working on something for my boyfriend... Hmm... :)

This has been a tough time, being apart from each other. I wish it was easier... the whole distance part of a relationship. Its tough, no lie. But when we're finally together, every problem, every fret, every scare, any doubt that I've had about us is dissolved with the first sight of each other.

I'm really excited about next Wednesday. That's my Christmas.
Flying into Dulles around 10 am... seeing Tim for the first time in 40 days! I'm very excited.
I can't wait to see you!!! :)

i may regret and delete this later... (no, I'm not drunk)

2008-12-20T00:14:00.004-05:00

having a journal leads me to ask, if I should post all my heartache and heartfelt emotions for all the world to see.
I'm writing this in haste... not cooling off at all... I'm hurt, confused, mad, upset, and no, I wasn't just broken up with.
Sometimes, I do feel unwanted. I know for sure I am wanted, its other factors of the human brain-- those psychological factors, that we can't explain.
Its no one's fault.

I feel like a burden sometimes... I'm just being 'appeased' because that's what your supposed to do, listen to your significant other-- no matter what you're feeling. I wasn't forcing conversation. I gave the opportunity to leave... Why do I still feel hurt?

I started up my iTunes and this song was the first to play... I've never heard it before...

Carry me, Your love is wider than my need could ever be
Come to me, and I will walk along Your shore
Feel Your crashing waves sing in time with the music of my heart
Come down, pour out on me
Come down, pour out on me
River deep, could I know You as well as You know me
Constantine, will we travel faster, farther than these
Legs could ever trustworthy be

2008-12-18T20:36:00.000-05:00

seven days until christmas.

ahhhhhhh

2008-12-15T16:24:00.001-05:00

I passed all my classes.

2008-12-15T14:27:00.003-05:00

Psalm 78:1

1 O my people, hear my teaching;
listen to the words of my mouth.

2 I will open my mouth in parables,
I will utter hidden things, things from of old-

3 what we have heard and known,
what our fathers have told us.

4 We will not hide them from their children;
we will tell the next generation
the praiseworthy deeds of the LORD,
his power, and the wonders he has done.

5 He decreed statutes for Jacob
and established the law in Israel,
which he commanded our forefathers
to teach their children,

6 so the next generation would know them,
even the children yet to be born,
and they in turn would tell their children.

7 Then they would put their trust in God
and would not forget his deeds
but would keep his commands.

8 They would not be like their forefathers—
a stubborn and rebellious generation,
whose hearts were not loyal to God,
whose spirits were not faithful to him.

9 The men of Ephraim, though armed with bows,
turned back on the day of battle;

10 they did not keep God's covenant
and refused to live by his law.

11 They forgot what he had done,
the wonders he had shown them.

12 He did miracles in the sight of their fathers
in the land of Egypt, in the region of Zoan.

13 He divided the sea and led them through;
he made the water stand firm like a wall.

14 He guided them with the cloud by day
and with light from the fire all night.

15 He split the rocks in the desert
and gave them water as abundant as the seas;

16 he brought streams out of a rocky crag
and made water flow down like rivers.

17 But they continued to sin against him,
rebelling in the desert against the Most High.

18 They willfully put God to the test
by demanding the food they craved.

19 They spoke against God, saying,
"Can God spread a table in the desert?

20 When he struck the rock, water gushed out,
and streams flowed abundantly.
But can he also give us food?
Can he supply meat for his people?"

21 When the LORD heard them, he was very angry;
his fire broke out against Jacob,
and his wrath rose against Israel,

22 for they did not believe in God
or trust in his deliverance.

23 Yet he gave a command to the skies above
and opened the doors of the heavens;

24 he rained down manna for the people to eat,
he gave them the grain of heaven.

25 Men ate the bread of angels;
he sent them all the food they could eat.

26 He let loose the east wind from the heavens
and led forth the south wind by his power.

27 He rained meat down on them like dust,
flying birds like sand on the seashore.

28 He made them come down inside their camp,
all around their tents.

29 They ate till they had more than enough,
for he had given them what they craved.

30 But before they turned from the food they craved,
even while it was still in their mouths,

31 God's anger rose against them;
he put to death the sturdiest among them,
cutting down the young men of Israel.

32 In spite of all this, they kept on sinning;
in spite of his wonders, they did not believe.

33 So he ended their days in futility
and their years in terror.

34 Whenever God slew them, they would seek him;
they eagerly turned to him again.

35 They remembered that God was their Rock,
that God Most High was their Redeemer.

36 But then they would flatter him with their mouths,
lying to him with their tongues;

37 their hearts were not loyal to him,
they were not faithful to his covenant.

38 Yet he was merciful;
he forgave their iniquities
and did not destroy them.
Time after time he restrained his anger
and did not stir up his full wrath.

39 He remembered that they were but flesh,
a passing breeze that does not return.

40 How often they rebelled against him in the desert
and grieved him in the wasteland!

41 Again and again they put God to the test;
they vexed the Holy One of Israel.

42 They did not remember his power—
the day he redeemed them from the oppressor,

43 the day he displayed his miraculous signs in Egypt,
his wonders in the region of Zoan.

44 He turned their rivers to blood;
they could not drink from their streams.

45 He sent swarms of flies that devoured them,
and frogs that devastated them.

46 He gave their crops to the grasshopper,
their produce to the locust.

47 He destroyed their vines with hail
and their sycamore-figs with sleet.

48 He gave over their cattle to the hail,
their livestock to bolts of lightning.

49 He unleashed against them his hot anger,
his wrath, indignation and hostility—
a band of destroying angels.

50 He prepared a path for his anger;
he did not spare them from death
but gave them over to the plague.

51 He struck down all the firstborn of Egypt,
the firstfruits of manhood in the tents of Ham.

52 But he brought his people out like a flock;
he led them like sheep through the desert.

53 He guided them safely, so they were unafraid;
but the sea engulfed their enemies.

54 Thus he brought them to the border of his holy land,
to the hill country his right hand had taken.

55 He drove out nations before them
and allotted their lands to them as an inheritance;
he settled the tribes of Israel in their homes.

56 But they put God to the test
and rebelled against the Most High;
they did not keep his statutes.

57 Like their fathers they were disloyal and faithless,
as unreliable as a faulty bow.

58 They angered him with their high places;
they aroused his jealousy with their idols.

59 When God heard them, he was very angry;
he rejected Israel completely.

60 He abandoned the tabernacle of Shiloh,
the tent he had set up among men.

61 He sent the ark of his might into captivity,
his splendor into the hands of the enemy.

62 He gave his people over to the sword;
he was very angry with his inheritance.

63 Fire consumed their young men,
and their maidens had no wedding songs;

64 their priests were put to the sword,
and their widows could not weep.

65 Then the Lord awoke as from sleep,
as a man wakes from the stupor of wine.

66 He beat back his enemies;
he put them to everlasting shame.

67 Then he rejected the tents of Joseph,
he did not choose the tribe of Ephraim;

68 but he chose the tribe of Judah,
Mount Zion, which he loved.

69 He built his sanctuary like the heights,
like the earth that he established forever.

70 He chose David his servant
and took him from the sheep pens;

71 from tending the sheep he brought him
to be the shepherd of his people Jacob,
of Israel his inheritance.

72 And David shepherded them with integrity of heart;
with skillful hands he led them.

after a while of just doubt and being apathetic towards reading my Bible, being "too busy", just having a lazy attitude towards my relationship in Christianity... this lull brought me to Psalm 78... (and Joshua 24)... The Isrealites were pushed to remind/share with others what God had brought them through, how he was faithful, keeping his people and providing. When they were down, forgetting what had happened, had given up hope, they were reminded of all that God had done for them; Testimony of the faithfulness of God, kept the fire of hope in their hearts- burning so that they would not lose hope.

I'm working on coming up with testimonies of things that happened to me in the past few years. God's providence & my faith are the only things that can get me through this.

a note to the parents.

2008-12-13T00:13:00.003-05:00

Your children are: loud, inconsiderate, raunchy and annoying. Lock them up, until they learn how to act in public.

thank you.
concerned starbucks barista.

2008-12-12T14:47:00.002-05:00

there's a babbling creek in my yard, I'm so tired today, don't really know why.
I've misplaced my Bible, and there's a mouse in my house!

science is really freaking me out, some think they have found the science behind the plagues of exodus & the destroying of sodom and gamorah. sorry, there's no science to my God. He defies all theorems and hypothesis. He is not constrained by the mind of man.

2008-12-11T21:59:00.002-05:00

the rain caused the most beautiful rainbow today. amazing how something so gross and nasty can produce something so pure and beautiful.
I could see the beginning and end, all seven colors, just as quickly as it came, it was gone.

2008-12-09T10:15:00.002-05:00

I can now breathe. Its over, the semester is finished. I do have one more final, however I'm not so worried about it.
Wishing a 'Happy Holiday' is really bothering me... Merry Christmas... seriously? Offensive.

2008-12-08T22:24:00.001-05:00

seems like everyone I know has stopped the bloggings.

finals week... my brain is melted

DC in 22 days... :) two weeks with Tim...

Christmas is close- gotta buy those presents... man, this year has flown.

pray.

2008-11-04T23:23:00.002-05:00

"if my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land." - 2 Chronicles 7:14

"What America needs is spiritual renewal and reconciliation- First man with God, then man with man." -Ronald Reagan 1976

Now more then ever we must pray. Please, respect both parties. Please, carry yourself with tact. No less then 30 minutes, and I have read both parties bashing... its over guys. Seriously. Let's unite. It's four years. I'm scared... America got what it asked for... a "change"... we now must pray for mercy for our nation... that our land will be healed...
Christians- we are in danger... Conservatives we are in danger... Unborn children now are more dangered than ever... Please... Please... Please pray... handle yourself with tact... Be slow to anger... Quick to love... We are all in this together... I want to cry right now... I'm terrified...
If we truly trust our Lord and Savior... we have no worries... He has our best interest in mind... all may seem to be going to waste, God is in control... Israel asked for a king- they got Saul... America has asked for a change... we have Obama... within the next four years... we will learn from our choices and mistakes... we will learn to trust God more than ever. We will learn to stay strong.

Keep strong my fellow Conservatives... We must... We are the only ones holding this country together...
I feel mostly for my troops. MY FAMILY... MY COUSINS, UNCLES and GRANDFATHERS. Obama has made a mockery of war... That hurts me almost more then the thought of all of the innocents lives that will be lost.

I'm done. I cannot think on these horrid things anymore tonight, I might throw myself into depression. There has to be a good to come out of this... (perhaps learning that being brainwashed by a socialist democrat is un-healthy for this country and our well-beings).

2008-11-04T13:32:00.003-05:00

get out, go vote.

2008-11-04T12:25:00.004-05:00

I don't care who you are voting for, as long as you recognize your right as an American citizen to go and vote. That being said, I cast my vote for John McCain.

I was sitting in my English class this morning, and there were five people in there who have decided to not vote, because... "One vote won't make any difference" (Maybe I'm crazy, but there were 5 votes in my English class that were not accounted for). There are 20 people in my class, 5 out of 20 people didn't vote. That's 25 % of my class? Lets say there's 1000 people on campus for the 8 am classes...(of the voting age) 5 people out of ever 20 person class decided not to vote... that 400 people... and it goes on and on and well, you get the picture. The point is, your vote does count! If we all had that apathetic, lazy mentality then we would definitely not still hold this unique ability to vote for who we feel is the most apt to lead our country.
This just sickens me to think that some people are too lazy to go and cast a vote every FOUR years. 'its such an inconvenience'... Its going to be an even bigger inconvenience when your whole right is taken away... Its one day every...1,460 days (give or take a few) you can't take ONE day for that?

It also bothers me that someone who doesn't vote, still feels as if they have the right to state their opinion on who should've or shouldn't of won. Try to start debates and arguments on why they think someone should've won. They didn't feel the need to state their opinion by voting, so why feel the need to vocalize then. Its too late. Your opinion is null and void in my book.

All I am saying, vote for who you feel will lead this country the best. I am not going to try to sway your ideology. I pray you've done your research, I trust you're not going along with the bandwagon method of voting.
This is such a critical time in our lives. Take that into consideration, please go out and vote.

brrrr its cold.

2008-10-28T18:44:00.003-04:00

The past few weeks have been filled with great fun. Tim came to visit TWO times :) we carved pumpkins, watched movies, stayed up late... woke up early, drank coffee and drove around... The times we share are so great- so great.

We've talked... talked and talked about the future... Nashville-- seems like where we will be spending our lives, at least a major part of it... I wish to open a coffee-shop ("nashville is a coffee-shop" quote from my dear friend heather)... Working at Starbucks for the mere week and a half has showed me the wonder of connecting with people-- talking, smiling, making them wonderful coffee/tea drinks... Its just grand... its a steady, fast-paced job... but still laid-back and quiet. Its fun. I enjoy it...

I can't wait to start this new stage of my life, but for now I know that I am loved-- I can't wait to be together forever.

2008-10-18T15:51:00.000-04:00

I'm working at Starbucks... going through my "Barista 100" training.. I really hope to be finished tomorrow!! Then I will be a Starbucks Certified Barista!! I'm getting really awesome hours too...

--The job is so chill and laid back... I really would like to own a coffee shop someday...

reality strikes.

2008-10-01T10:23:00.002-04:00

I wonder why there are times when everything seems to come crashing down...

Two deaths this week... one, my great grandfather- I'm fine, oh yes, I'm okay... I hurt for my family though... They ache, their hearts ache... Its such a strange grief, death is.

Get a call this morning, my aunt's absolute best friend (should have been sister) found dead... the morning of my great grandfather's funeral... They say a heart-attack, at 40... She was an addict, recovering? I'm not too sure... Times like this are just sad.

Depression has shown is evil face again, I've hurt so much this week for the ones that I love... SO MUCH. Sacrifices have been made, this seems like the longest week of my life... Its horrible. I'm searching for strength, peace and more love.

I'm worn

I'm torn

I know I'm not lost.

2008-09-27T23:53:00.001-04:00

"...your eyes, I could just sit there and adore... "

you've got to be kidding me.

2008-09-25T12:17:00.001-04:00

Hot on the heels of his explanation for why he no longer wears a flag pin,
presidential candidate Senator Barack Obama was forced to explain why he
doesn't follow protocol when the National Anthem is played.

According to the United States Code, Title 36, Chapter 10, Sec. 171,
During rendition of the national anthem when the flag is displayed, all present
except those in uniform are expected to stand at attention facing the flag
with the right hand over the heart.

'As I've said about the flag pin, I don't want to be perceived as taking
sides,' Obama said. 'There are a lot of people in the world to whom the
American flag is a symbol of oppression. And the anthem itself conveys a
war-like message. You know, the bombs bursting in air and all. It should
be swapped for something less parochial and less bellicose. I like the song
'I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing.' If that were our anthem, then I might
salute it.'

2008-09-13T23:54:00.003-04:00

heather is probably one of my most favorite people in the world... today was a breath of fresh air... we were just able to talk and spend time together and have those "relationship" talks... the ones that only super great friends can have... and its just awesome... all walls down... just some great friend time.

arithmetic

2008-09-10T21:04:00.004-04:00

You'll Come

2008-09-09T22:06:00.002-04:00

Chains be broken
Lives be healed
Eyes be opened
Christ is revealed

I have decided
I have resolved
To wait upon You Lord
My rock and Redeemer
Shield and reward
I'll wait upon You Lord

As surely as the sun will rise
You'll come to us
Certain as the dawn appears

You'll come
Let Your glory fall as You respond to us
Spirit rain
Flood into our thirsty hearts again
You'll come
You'll come

We are not shaken
We are not moved
We wait upon You Lord
Mighty deliverer
Triumph and truth
We wait upon You Lord

As surely as the sun will rise
You'll come to us
Certain as Your word endures

You'll come
Let Your glory fall as You respond to us
Spirit rain
Flood into our thirsty hearts again
You'll come
You'll come

Chains be broken
Lives be healed
Eyes be opened
Christ is revealed

(You'll Come- Brooke Fraser)

----------------------------

some very simple words.... with such a powerful punch...

Brooke Fraser is possible one of the most talented modern day worship song writers.... I want this.

2008-09-09T14:04:00.001-04:00

LU has my major.

:))))

I've never missed any place in my life.

2008-09-07T19:41:00.004-04:00

I can't decide for what reasons I miss Lynchburg. I do, I miss it so much. There's really nothing to do there, unless you have the right people around you... I miss the people and beauty. Yeah, most of its run-down. But the old buildings and houses are just beautiful... broken and messy... I love it.

The houses in the city have the most amazing rooms, nooks and crannies... the basements are musty and old... and the yards and porches are fantastic.

I'm not sure if I enjoy the houses for the look, or the people that reside inside of them. For the memories that are made.

Sitting in the "rock room" listening to the boys play, brings it all home. I enjoy those 2am jam sessions, with some drinks and cigarettes. There's a minotaur in the back yard, don't leave the patio, or you'll become prey. Daylight hours I explore the yard... its huge! Big trees, bushes and a fence... what's on the other side?

Wallpaper and ping pong... window ac units and boilers. We're all 20-somethings... trying to make it on our own... Kitchen ice-cream socials and The Simpsons until 3 am. My gosh, this is what I live for... to be with my friends... sleeping on couches, the floor, chairs and in cars... This is the life... I love my friends, my boyfriend and the times I spend with them. Only for a weekend though, then I'm back home... Miserable, longing to be back with my friends...

My heart HAS to be in the right place, I'm most fearful of wanting to move back just because my friends are there... I would have a life, opposed to staying at home, writing on this blog...

Am I feeling this because I'm supposed to be in Virginia? Or am I feeling this because I think I would be miserable anywhere else?

2008-09-06T23:15:00.001-04:00

I'm spinning, falling, living and dying when I'm with you.

ohhhhhhhh lynchburg.

2008-09-01T12:09:00.001-04:00

I don't want to leave youuuuuuuuu.

2008-08-26T22:47:00.001-04:00

i HAVE to play apples to apples.

it was just like sun, but more like the moon

2008-08-26T14:15:00.002-04:00

Its been quite a rainy day... My 930 class was cancelled, so I was able to go get my hair cut and see my mom. I drank a latte and a cup of coffee this morning, so napping is definitely not on my list of things to do today.

I was also turned down by target... Rejected. Ouch. Sucks, I mean... all I did was fill out an application and personality questions on some computer. Sucks man. I would be super at Target... It doesn't make any sense at all... Guess I'm not supposed to be there. However I still have Starbucks, I'm going to go there in the morning and apply... get people their "fix". Oh the addicts, what great crazy I will meet.

My hair is short, it will barely go into a pony-tail... (why is it even called that? silly huh?) Its pretty cute... hxc you know? ;)

Friday is Lynchburg time. I'm pumped basically. I mean I honestly feel like my family is there... I get to meet new people too!!! Tim's friends and all... and see my old friends! Just take some time to have a super weekend.

I have to go read now... lots and lots

"so when you say forever, can't you see? you've already captured me"

renewed love.

2008-08-22T22:55:00.002-04:00

being in a English Lit class, and watching The Dead Poets society has renewed my love for poetry.

ahhhhhhh. its so beautiful... I want to write again.

A Wonderful Quote

2008-08-21T22:39:00.001-04:00

We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, "O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless... of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?" Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play *goes on* and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?

[Taken from: The Dead Poets Society]

planes and trains and school work.

2008-08-18T18:54:00.002-04:00

School started today... I have an 8 am class on Tuesday and Thursday, why did I decide on that? I haven't had to be anywhere until after 9 am since high school, this will certainly be interesting.

Tim visited, I visited... one of the happiest weeks of my life, the down-side to this is we won't be seeing each other until September. Confirmation galore, and time well-spent.

I'm so happy, being apart is hard, but when we're together its the best in the world.

this is the sound of settling...

2008-08-03T22:30:00.002-04:00

I'm sitting here, trying to figure out where did the summer go?

Three months ago, I was telling myself, three months... that's not bad, I can handle this. Telling Tim that the time was going to fly by... Wow! It did.

I think I just kept myself overly occupied with work and family. Which can be good, but so very tiring.

This is my last week of work answering phones... or being Pam Beasley... hopefully to return next summer... unless something more exciting comes along.. nanny maybe? Actually, if I could house-sit all next summer... That would be splendid.

Ha. Look at me, I'm already making plans for next summer.

This week, I pray it just flies by, and Friday will be here when I wake up. I can't contain my excitement for Friday, and the whole WEEK to follow... So far, this will probably be the happiest times in my life. :)

There is a bit of sadness in me right now, I could be packing up to move back to school... but I'm not. I really do like where I am right now, only T/TR classes, and some online ones, I'm finished by 12:15 on those days. Meaning, I have a four day weekend and a day in between to re-coop from that harsh 8 am. class. Wow, the semester starts in two weeks, have I got my books... no, pencils? paper? notebooks? none of it. Nothing. I do however have a train ticket with my name on it to Alexandria, VA

I guess I just remember that feeling, of being liberated from my parent's guard... being able to just walk out and go anywhere without telling a single soul... that's what I miss most. Plus here, in Charlotte, I have no place to really go... where I can find some peace and quiet, without driving a good 45 minutes...

Oh, I'd love to move, back to Lynchburg... I really kind of like it there, not many people do. But its cute, medium-sized... has some of the most amazing hangout spots, and its so nice to just walk around the blocks of the old buildings... they have so much character. I really like walking down main street, and trying to place what would be going on through those windows 50 years ago... Just makes me happy.

Ben Gibbard and the boys from Death Cab must be my secret best friends... have I stated this before? I really think we have the same life.

Death Cab

Brand New

Paper Route

...random... but that has been my rotation the past few weeks...

speaking of which.. check out Paper Route... they are going to be "big" someday...

Its been tough for me to concentrate and place my thoughts in a logical, cohesive pattern tonight.

My apologies.

2008-07-31T09:23:00.001-04:00

This has been the longest week of my life.
An emotional rollercoaster... and now... everything is better.
EVERYTHING is better.

*sigh of relief*

Only 6 more days of work... and 8 days until that visit.

my tongue's the only muscle in my body that works harder than my heart.

2008-07-29T22:14:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I feel that my mind works harder than my heart and tongue together. I've been having major doubting issues lately. With everything. Its been absolute hell, basically. It seems as if every time I try to buckle down, study my Bible, put forth an effort to learn about God... doubt creeps in... something goes wrong. My mind thinks 50 billion different things... all discouraging. Never uplifting, confirming or calming.

I feel I have become too dependent on some people in my life, I'm being forced to understand that I can't always talk to them, when I can't talk to them, my brain finds it right to start saying these terrible things.

In return I get angry, sad, I cry. I never cry... but times like this I do.

This is not me. This has never been me. I can't seem to get through this, I need to get over this. I've prayed for confirmation, peace, right words to say and patience for when to say those words... but everything backfires... right back into my face... like

"here Emily, this is your heart, we know what you truly care about... you've put lots of time into it haven't ya? well... since you've done that... we're just going to sow some doubt in there... oh yeah.. how about a little blame too? and to top it off... anger."

I'm filling my journal with all my thoughts... this is a very vague scenario of my week so far...

just so frustrating.

2008-07-27T21:41:00.001-04:00

I'm so glad my summer will end with a much needed visit.

2008-07-22T23:04:00.002-04:00

its storming. i'm house sitting. the power went out. NOT GOOD.

for the record.

2008-07-21T09:53:00.002-04:00

I found The Dark Knight amazing.
Dark.
The comic relief was superb.
Intense.
Scary.
Heath Ledger was a spectacular Joker.
By-far the most intriguing Batman... I actually watched the whole movie.

2008-07-20T23:06:00.002-04:00

make our hearts bold as lions.

I've been praying quite a bit the past few days... God is amazing, I wish I had other words to describe Him, right now... this is all I have

Thank you Jesus.

a quite transparent post.

2008-07-19T22:17:00.007-04:00

heal my heart and make it clean

open up my eyes to the things unseen

show me how to love,

like You've loved me

break my heart for what breaks Yours

everything I have for Your Kingdom's cause

as I walk from earth into eternity.

hosanna, hosanna, hosanna in the highest.

(brooke fraser)

I'm leading this song tomorrow morning for our praise and worship, I learned it at Liberty and it is probably one of my favorite battle-cry worship songs...

I see a generation,

rising up to take their place...

with selfless faith.

I see a near revival

stirring as we pray and seek

we're on our knees...

I'm praying that this song will come to pass, that we will rise a generation that loves the Lord, not just because we feel like we have to, but simply because we want to. PLEASE! I'm begging you to pray with me, that we will take the true heart of these simple lyrics... understand them to the fullest and then live out what they say.

... break my heart for what breaks yours...

I will be the first to admit, there are something that should kill me even being around it... I've become less and less sensitive to things, blamed it on "it's not my conviction..." when it should convict my heart, and deep down it does... and I know if breaks my Father's heart, I pray I will become less-numb to the things that should break my heart...

There's no doubt in my mind that I was made to worship with song...

I was given this voice for a reason... to proclaim my Jesus' name... all the days of my life.

let cool and enjoy.

2008-07-19T17:02:00.004-04:00

I just proved that I can cook... I'm so excited.

I've added bread-making to my random list of goodies that I can make!!!

Mmm. I'm so excited, I wish I could upload the smell... its fantastic.

I was given this recipe along with starter batter 10 days ago! And daily you add, mash and do different things to the batter... finally on day 10... mix, add flour, eggs, milk, cinnamon and all these other ingredients to make a delightful snack... I'm so proud!

"Do you think I'm gulli-bull or even a gulli-calf?" oh Wayne's World.

I realized this week that my summer is winding down extremely fast, and its also flown by... everything that has happened (either spoken of here... or kept in my heart) has just made my summer so incredibly amazing, EVERYTHING has worked out and been so perfect.

I'm so excited for what this next semester will bring...

Paper Route- amazing. Can't stop listening to them, they are amazing... and should have more credit... what talent.

Krista spent the night, and we saw The Dark Knight... both were absolutely amazing... I'm not big on Hollyweird, or celebrities, but Heath Ledger was a true artist, and absolutely brought the Joker to life. I applaud him.

I'm so happy with everything right now, its all so great.

"I'm gonna be frank, okay... can I still be Garth?"

freaking myspace.

2008-07-17T22:32:00.001-04:00

did you know? before you go to sleep at night there is one person thinking of you. They want you they want to kiss you, They want to be with you they are always thinking about you before they go to sleep at night they are longing to be with you. This is all true not a fake if you repost this to in 5 mins the person that is longing to be with you will approach you in a month and ask you out or grab you and kiss the face off you.

hahahahahahahaha. that was totally just a myspace bulletin that i read...

how sad.

fabulous weekend

2008-07-12T22:33:00.002-04:00

oh I have great friends... This whole week has been completely packed with work and right after work, hanging out with the girls.

fantastic.

I've been so incredibly inspired this week... going to different cities, and drinking tons of coffee and talking- tons and tons of talking. Learning and giving opinions, mending broken hearts and figuring out what life holds... just a fantastic week, it reminds me that I'm alive.

Thursday night Heather and I went to see the boys play in Mt. Holly, about an hour away from here? Philmont was great, they played with two other bands... Our Hearts Hero and High Flight Society (they had the coolest merch booth)... I just love sitting and watching the people enjoy the music, and afterwards talking with the guys in the band, and their girlfriends/wives... its great its what I've dreamed about since I was young...

Friday night, I met Heather at Caribou, we surprised Carmen! Who gave us some free coffee... (wahoo!) it never happens to me... but this time... Carmen loves us sooo much... and there was noone else there... so we sat on the couches and chairs and just chatted... like old times... haha...

Heather and I made cow masks for free food from chick-fil-a!! Wahoo... I have eaten free ALLL day long.. :D so amazing.

We brought our food back to Caribou and enjoyed it with Carmen... and just chilled...

Afterwards Heather and I checked out looked at canvases and paints! Picking out colors for my canvas that Heather and Carmen (and I'm going to try) to paint! I'm so excited... its going to be grand... We went to World Market... they have fantastic foods, couches, scarves, wall hangings, wine glasses and such there... and I saw Jared... I haven't seen him in quite sometime... so we were able to catch up and chat for a bit...

I was pleased to find out the fountain is working again at Sycamore Commons, so we grabbed a park bench and just talk about our men and our lives... It has been such a great weekend.

and today, I got a package with a letter from Tim!!!!!!! I can't stop smiling.

wow.

2008-07-08T01:08:00.000-04:00

these are birds... amazing creatures... watch this video.

2008-07-07T13:41:00.001-04:00

...my soul sings, my soul sings, how I love You!...

Hallelujah Jesus!

on another note... today is Ringo Starr's birthday?
he requested "peace and love" for his birthday...
so...
peace!

2008-07-05T13:31:00.002-04:00

wow. God had the most amazing fire-work display last night! it was insane and crazy, and beautiful... screw real fire-works...

I've had an amazing weekend, and have felt pretty great.

bug bites

sun burn

campfires

starlight

--basically what my fourth consisted of :) I enjoyed every single moment of it

its nice to be away from these silly distractions for a few days, I was able to layout, swim and read for hours! and I was still only 5 minutes from my house... I'd like to do this every weekend... who wants to come next?

score!

2008-07-03T09:26:00.002-04:00

This morning I went to Starbucks and learned they have my favorite drink in low-cal!
This is probably the happiest morning of my life.

:)

2008-07-01T11:16:00.002-04:00

"The only time a guy's guard is completely down

is with the woman he loves,

So she can pierce his heart like no one else"

- Shaunti Feldhan

Shocking my socks right OFF.

2008-06-29T22:13:00.002-04:00

Wow! Isn't God just so amazing?

Just this week I have been having a very dry, fruitless, boring, dull everything basically. Especially in the spiritual aspect of my life.

Waking up this morning was so hard, I did not want to go to church, I'd much rather lay in bed... and pity myself.

How pathetic? I had such a hard time this morning, waking up, showering, getting ready and even riding to church. I was just so incredibly distracted. Never the less, I picked apart the praise and worship in my head, kept thinking about my week, and what needs to be done, and what I was going to do in the afternoon.

PITIFUL.

I was so distracted, I wasn't getting into God... I was tired, extremely discouraged... and I felt like everyone could tell. It seemed that everyone was looking right at me... Terrible eh?

OH yes.

We sit down, I still can't concentrate on anything... I'm spacing out, and someone even asked me this morning if I was actually here... I answered.. "no"... because I wasn't, I couldn't home in on any one person or conversation, I couldn't speak to anyone... I was being distracted like none other today... Terrible.

We had a guest speaker from Raleigh/ Durham today, Taylor Stewart... and WOW he's amazing. I think he had been reading my mail or something...

He's speaking about all these things that have been going on in my head, straight up telling me what I should do... WOW. God you are amazing... Today was total confirmation that God is real... Thank you Jesus!

I hadn't doubted that God was real, but sometimes I question what I am doing with my life, why am I believing in Christ? What's the point... The point is to love.

Anyway, the speaker had used the exact words as I had used earlier this week... everything being "DRY and DULL" and that we need to "WAKE UP" we need to pray for God to WAKE US UP.

Anyway, he used a verse from Job, and I cannot find it tonight, it is something along the lines of a tree that is famished, it whithers up because it has no nourishment, the roots curl up and dry out, it looks dead, it has no fruit... however... when the tree is watered... the roots are deep and nourished and the tree that once looked dead is full and green...

ANYONE have the passage for that??????

Anyway... The past few weeks I have been fascinated with trees, and how amazing they are, and how different and unique they are... Just like us... as Christians.... Also, this verse can be used to describe our walk with God... when we are praying and seeking God daily... are steadfast and earnest about our walk with Him, we have a fruit... love, joy, peace, patience, kindness... you know Galatians 9... But when we put God on the back burner, our hearts, our life doesn't produce as much fruit... we might look dead... but our hearts are still beating... we are just going through a dry time... and that is exactly what I have been going through lately....

Everything today was totally amazing... I am so happy that I am not the only one who deals with dull times, I need to be woken up... and today certainly did it...

Not to mention, today he had us turn in our Bibles to Ephesians, and on that page, I had written beside a verse... "Prayer for 2008, God PLEASE wake me up." HOW COOL!?

2008-06-28T19:45:00.000-04:00

let's go camping...

ciao.

2008-06-27T22:21:00.002-04:00

psalm 63.

2008-06-27T12:44:00.007-04:00

1 O God, you are my God,

earnestly I seek you;

my soul thirsts for you,

my body longs for you,

in a dry and weary land

where there is no water.

2 I have seen you in the sanctuary

and beheld your power and your glory.

3 Because your love is better than life,

my lips will glorify you.

4 I will praise you as long as I live,

and in your name I will lift up my hands.

5 My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;

with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

6 On my bed I remember you;

I think of you through the watches of the night.

7 Because you are my help,

I sing in the shadow of your wings.

8 My soul clings to you;

your right hand upholds me.

9 They who seek my life will be destroyed;

they will go down to the depths of the earth.

10 They will be given over to the sword

and become food for jackals.

11 But the king will rejoice in God;

all who swear by God's name will praise him,

while the mouths of liars will be silenced.

2008-06-25T23:31:00.000-04:00

everything is dry and dull...

WAKE ME UP LORD.

zombie.

2008-06-25T23:06:00.005-04:00

I've come to the conclusion that most of my blogs are done half awake... in a zombie like stage... I don't even know if I am fully aware of what I'm saying, thinking or feeling. However, I'm sure that within this state of mind my true feelings emerge, and I don't sit back and think about out to word things, or if it is really necessary to even post.

That being said. I think I am somewhat conscious of what I'm saying tonight. :)

I have this booger of an ant bit on my middle toe... it really hurts, I'm trying not to scratch it, I give in almost every time.

Tonight, I'm watching one of these new summer television shows. I promise I don't normally watch TV and if I do its normally something completely mind melting like the Simpsons, or educational like Nat Geo or Discovery. However this show is called "Baby Borrowers"... say what? Its these teenage couples... who just know they are right for each other and plan on having kids... These kids are put into a house, and given babies... then todlers... then pre-teens... then kids their own age... WHAT?

I find it hilarious... these girls are pathetic... they want babies, but cringe to change their diapers, don't feed the baby- (because the baby is crying), they refer to the child as "it"... I can't believe it. These kids are in for a wake up call, that's for sure.

So I'm a terrible person... I feigned an illness tonight, to get out of work... I have had a headache for a few days now, and called in this afternoon telling them I have had migraines all week...

I'm a terrible, terrible person. Please forgive me.

I'm really wanting to go to a show... I haven't been to one in a while, I'd like to go with some friends and just chill... buy some buttons and maybe a tshirt? that'd be nice... All the good bands are on hiatus or not in the country... What's with this? I'm so sad.

Just Watch The Fireworks

2008-06-25T00:24:00.001-04:00

Something about this song by Jimmy Eat World..

"Here you can be anything.
I think that scares you.
I've been here before but only by myself.
What giving up gives you and where giving up takes you.
I've had and I've been.
Here in center frame, there's only air.
Just enough space to fit.
I said it out loud over and over but what do I know.
I said it out loud but it did not help.
I'll stop now.
Just so I can hear you I stay up as late as it takes, as long as it takes.
I promised I'd see it again.
I promised I'd see this with you now."

2008-06-24T20:29:00.001-04:00

I don't think I know what a day with out a headache is like.

2008-06-24T00:18:00.000-04:00

in regard to my previous post...

i know that everything I'm going through right now.. is completely worth it.

sometimes I disgust myself.

2008-06-23T22:56:00.002-04:00

I can't believe that I have let myself get so caught up in this distance. YES! It is so incredibly hard, and YES! I should be able to be sad because I don't get to see him as much as I'd like... but seriously... I shouldn't allow not talking for a day or two get me down... I understand that our schedules are off and not very convenient for any type of conversation... Its so tough... Today was especially hard, just like last week... I start to doubt, and that is not good. I've been reassured that nothing has changed... but its just so hard for my mind to grasp that. I know its because it will be three months before we see each other... I was prepared for this, I knew what was coming... I just didn't think it would be this rough...

What disgust me is when I hear other girls talk about how great their guy is... how they spent the weekend or went to lunch... but then I look at their relationships and see how surface they are and how they probably couldn't go 5 hours with out seeing each other or holding hands or sucking face.

I just need to get over it.

I know! that our times together are the sweetest times. I know that come August everything is going to be amazing... and this school year will be the best yet... I'm just stuck in a trough... and can't really seem to get out of this self-pity stage of my relationship... I want someone to understand... I just can't find anyone who will take the time and just listen to me... Anytime I try to talk to anyone its always compared to their relationship, or friendship with someone... I don't want advice... really... not now... I just need someone to listen...

On top of all of this work has been pretty shitty. No lie. I really don't mind the office job, but I know for sure that I don't want to do it for the rest of my life.

There is this lady... I prefer to call her "Hawk"... Apparently there isn't enough work for her to do... so she has to make sure I'm doing something... and will not leave me alone... today... I spent my lunch in tears because I can't handle it... I had no idea she was like this either...

I just don't enjoy it very much at all.. feeling like I have to stand up to a certain standard... when I honestly am there to direct phone calls.

I think I am very professional, for a 19 year old atleast...

!!!!!!!!

2008-06-22T23:17:00.001-04:00

I'm SUNBURNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

never allow me to set foot into a bookstore...

2008-06-17T23:36:00.003-04:00

... at least by myself...

I honestly think I spent a good 30 minutes staring at the C.S. Lewis shelf in Borders... a pathetic collection I might add... However, there were still many great choices. I found a neat step-stool and sat on it for a while... Trying to decide, I narrowed my choices down to "The Great Divorce" and "The Four Loves" (correct me if I'm wrong with that title, my memory has failed me tonight). Moving along, I decided on "The Great Divorce", I can't wait to dig in and enjoy.

With my new "office" job, I have nothing to do. Except answer phones, and chat on Facebook... as exciting as that sounds it gets quite boring and monotonous. So I decided to start reading more, like I used to... So I grabbed a book that's been collecting dust on my night-stand for quite sometime, it doesn't deserve that! It should be read, I finally thought. So I thew it in my bag with my English muffin this morning. I'm already to chapter 8... CRAZY! I sometimes think I miss the phone ringing... I'm paranoid I will... So I try to stop every 5 minutes or so and take a breather... wow does time fly.

I also bought a book with tons of Eliot, some I've never heard of! I'm stoked to dissect that as well... I really should be an English major...

I digress...

Its summer time... and this summer seams to be so un-eventful... however stress-free and quite relaxing... I'm getting much more sleep... partly because there is no cell-phone service in Madison, Mississippi... That's okay though... It gives me alone time, that is sometimes very much needed. Granted I do miss those phone calls... =( Its all good though! about 5 weeks if I'm not mistaken... =)... I can do this.

Its crazy how so much can change over a span of just a few months... I'm still flabbergasted (nice word eh?) about all the sudden changes and new interest in my life... I love it.... everything feels right.

I haven't updated in over a week, my apologies... I'll try harder next time.

2008-06-07T22:04:00.003-04:00

i'm painting my room... its all turquoise, green-blue, aqua color... I like it lots...

the fumes are intoxicating, I can't WAIT until its all dry..

2008-06-06T01:10:00.003-04:00

I wish I wasn't a people pleaser...

I need out...

Everything I've committed to in the past few months has completely flopped... No one else seems to have the heart to match mine in my endeavors... I want out, I'm through... let someone else take this on for a change...

I'm sick of trying to please everyone, and being miserable inside, knowing that I can be on to bigger and better things...

Give me the strength to stand up and say no.

2008-06-04T15:14:00.001-04:00

no one said it would be easy, they only said it would be worth it.

2008-06-03T22:43:00.003-04:00

This has been a testy week for me... actually knowing you are limited on a phone conversation is so tough for me to comprehend... not being able to contact the one you think about most is so hard! I'm getting through it though... I've learned that the times you speak are very very sweet and should be enjoyed to the very last minute. I don't believe I've ever been so sad to hang up the phone... thirty minutes later I send a text message and the conversation precedes. Its not the same, it is really hard to know that you can't just pick up the phone to sent a message or to see if he has called. I was sad lastnight, no lie. We were talking on IM on Facebook... its just so different, I can't describe things like I would over the phone, and I can't hear his voice to see if he's picked up on my joke, or is understanding what I'm trying to put across... Its changed, its made me realize how much I can miss someone... how much it really hurts. I cried lastnight... for no apparent reason, other than the fact that we can't really do anything to contact each other... its so tough, I know I will get through it... I know that he will too!!!!! Its just going to take a lot of will power and faith.

On a brighter side, I did buy Tim something today... (he's probably going to read this and wonder) and I've written a short letter... :D I'm excited... I love giving things... I hope he likes it!

2008-05-27T11:32:00.003-04:00

the morning coffee

2008-05-23T22:12:00.005-04:00

I've just discovered how to program my coffee pot to brew at a certain time. (its quite amazing by the way) There is something to starting my day off with a great cup of coffee, I can't quite put my finger on it. I kinda feel very mature and adult-like, I should, I am nineteen. ;) I digress. I prepare the pot of coffee before I retire for the evening (haha) and in the morning, I have a warm cup of coffee, not to mention a tantalizing aroma to wake me softly and ensure me the day is going to be grand. Also! With my coffee in the morning... I'm going to start to read some-- either my Bible or a book... (C.S. Lewis perhaps? I've slacked in the reading area of my life lately... I need to go back over his books... so full of truth and thought). But yes! I'm quite excited... I'm going to try to get to sleep at a decent time... (1230, 1?) so I can wake up earlier and have a full day to enjoy. I'm feeling lazy and complacent... I do the same thing every day... I think this is why I am hesitant about making a decision on my major... because I know that I will be stuck in the same routine for the rest of my life, and I cannot handle that... Typing this tonight has been very soothing... Today brought on a few ups and downs... I was pretty happy and then all seemed to have fallen, after a few reassuring words, everything was happy again though... I think that is the quickest change of moods I've ever been through...I just realized that use a lot of "..." Its because I really am not sure where to end the paragraph and begin another and how to end sentences... basically this post if a stream on consciousness...

I finally got my jewelry tree tonight-

I'm devastated (yes, its an intense word.. but that's what my heart felt when they didn't have it in store or online... it was going to be perfect! tie my whole room together... i'm so sad)... they don't have the canvas I want anymore...

Btw... My room is going to be amazing... I'm going to have a party in my room... just so you can see it...

Thank you Urban Outfitters.

2008-05-22T09:31:00.003-04:00

I'm finally 19!

"How about I call you when you're a bit older..." - Tim around 11:15 pm. on May 21.

From a hotel bed.

2008-05-14T08:29:00.003-04:00

I really would like to see the sea today, however, we are packing up getting back into the truck and heading on down to Florida.

I should keep updating this, while on my travels... makes me sound cool, right?

Savannah, GA, this is my first time staying the night in Georgia... it was nice. Pretty warm today, maybe we'll get some peaches. Too bad I really don't like them.

Panic is a strange thing, keep my dad in your prayers. Today is his birthday too. He's having a hard time realizing that everything is okay. I know its the enemy trying to ruin our family time, we really never get a big vacation like this, so this is an opportune time to spread fear in his mind.

Just pray.

Hopefully last night was the only night.

Much love.

What Sarah Said

2008-05-12T22:21:00.001-04:00

And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time

As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409

And I rationed my breathes as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today

As each descending peak of the LCD took you a little farther away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye

It stung like a violent wind that out memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds

But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all

And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room

Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news

And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads

But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"

So who's going to watch you die?

This is a song from Death Cab for Cutie. I've been listening to this over and over, trying to decide if I think this is true. "Love is watching someone die" but die in what way? Peaceful- sure, I actually watched my Papa pass on June 17, 2004, that's a day I will never forget. But what about those painful, unbearable deaths. No matter how much I loved someone, I don't want that to be my last memory of them.

What if the person you loved wasn't saved, and you couldn't do anything to help? Could you watch them die? Knowing what they will endure for all eternity. Could you seriously watch that person die?

Mr. Gibbard, your lyrics are impeccable sometimes and other times I see you have no hope. That's sad.

I know that this blog is called "Inspiration for the Uninspired"... hmm, lately I'm sure my posts haven't been very inspiring, being about death and all the crazyness of my life right now. I apologize, I'm sure I'll get something inspiring here soon.

On a lighter note, I'm heading to Florida tomorrow. Going to Orlando, meet some superheros and whatnot. I'm pretty excited and all... I just hope I can handle my family for this time, sometimes I need a vacation from my vacation to recoop from them.

I just realized

2008-05-09T17:55:00.002-04:00

That I really miss being on my own... being able to just pick up and go with friends...
Why was I so blind?

I still am working on forgiving myself.

2008-05-08T22:38:00.001-04:00

I'm okay, everything is going to work out.
:D

2008-05-06T19:48:00.002-04:00

please God, anyone but Obama.

I'm terrified of what could happen to this country.

almost too perfect.

2008-05-06T18:50:00.002-04:00

My political science final was decent, I think. I feel I did okay on it. Tomorrow is computer, that class is a joke, and I know the final will be too. However, Anthropology on Thursday is up in the air, I just don't know. I've been unsure of that class all semester though, so I'm not going to freak out so much.

As of right now, everything seems to be falling into place. Everything seems to be perfect. I'm fine with that, but normally this means that I'm in for it just around the corner. I don't know what it is, but somethings going to happen- its that whole "calm before the storm" aspect of life. Then again, I could be over thinking this way too much. Tim is coming down this weekend! I'm so excited! Its going to be great, then I go to Florida next Tuesday. I just can't put my finger on it... maybe I should just live in the now, and deal with what ever when it happens.

I'm pumped about this weekend, I hate that its finals week though. I want this to fly by, just so this weekend will come faster... its kinda hard to focus. I should be okay though. :D

I voted on Saturday, for the primary... today you could vote too. I can't believe that people deliberately don't vote. Just because they don't like any of the candidates or don't have enough time. This is your right, your freedom, come on people vote! If you aren't going to vote, I certainly don't want to hear you complaining about our president or government state. I hate getting all political, but this really hit home today... I can't believe anyone would give up the chance to at least put a dent in their future.

Sorry guys, it just really burns me.

freak out.

2008-05-04T00:08:00.001-04:00

its finals week... these past two weeks have been insanely busy, don't expect an update.
i'm just kinda freaked about this poli sci final, essays and short answer and multiple choice and government is not my forte. its my first final, its also the most brutal...

help.

oh summertime.

2008-05-02T22:53:00.004-04:00

Tonight was just a preview of what my summer is going to be like.
JD and Scout are visiting from Norfolk! Jonathan and Michelle (parents) are in MIssissippi, Jonathan is doing training with the Seals. Meaning, we get to see the kids! These kids are some of the sweetest, most beautiful and loving people I have ever met! I step out of my car tonight and immediately JD runs and jumps into my arms... oh how a child can make you feel loved.
This is my favorite picture of the night...

Tonight I was able to chat with Matt for a while, he's real big into graphic design and all the fun stuff, he said he's interested in some of my ideas... and is going to let me use he's editing software! And! My uncle is going to let me borrow his Canon Rebel XT 35 mm to see how I like, (hopefully... I can buy it from them) I just need a better scanner... :D

2008-04-26T13:45:00.002-04:00

ok guys, this is the chorus to the new weezer song.. ."pork and beans" its awesome... weezer is great... check it.

"I'mma do the things that I wanna do
I ain't got a thing to prove to you
I'll eat my candy with the pork and beans
Excuse my manners if I make a scene
I ain't gonna wear the clothes that you like
I'm finally dandy with the me inside
One look in the mirror and I'm tickled pink
I don't give a hoot about what you think"

music.

2008-04-26T01:15:00.002-04:00

hmm. music, how it can stir up thoughts, feelings, smells, ideas, memories, tears, laughs, hate, love, happiness, joy, bitterness, hunger (?). no matter what, music is a universal media to express a feeling. with lyric or not. music moves me in a way that nothing else can. music is art, in my opinion, my favorite art. i enjoy finding new artist, and becoming inspired in thought, writing, even living life. listening to music energizes me. no matter how slow or sad it is. it hosts an unexplainable energy that "pumps me up" per se. i'm not too sure what it is, other than God blessing me with happiness anytime i hear it. music is my most favorite way of worshipping him, second is just sitting and enjoying His creation. those two make me feel so close to God, i can almost smell Him. oh my to be that close to smell my God! one day, i will be that close, one day, i will never stop praising Him. OH WHAT A GLORIOUS DAY!

mmm. this blog went in a completely different direction than i intended, i was going to ramble about memories, and when i listen to songs how it stirs them up and junk like that. but i have a feeling that's enough for the night. it is 130am. and i'm being texted... maybe i should try to sleep like normal people do? but i'm not so normal... i've been told by some that i'm the weirdest person they've ever met. (score!). yeah... i strive for weird and awkward... haha. sooo yes... this is it.... ummm enjoy? and yes, i'm fully aware my grammar is terrible. i apologize for the pain it caused your eyes.

ohhh... please enjoy being a pirate.

on death.

2008-04-24T18:26:00.003-04:00

Today was a beautiful day, had some Chinese, played with some ladybugs and went to the mall. Oh Heather and Carmen, you guys make my life.

I realize its almost five, gross! That means I'm stuck in traffic for atleast an hour. I barely have any gas, so on the way home, it was windows rolled down and no acceleration that was too crazy. I'm driving down my street and I pass my cousin, only to find out my great uncle has died. I don't enjoy solemn news like this. This is all still very fresh. I didn't know he wasn't doing so well until last week, my mom has been gone a lot and come to find out she's been at his house. The last funeral I remember going to was June of 2004, my Papa's funeral. I hate to recall that day, it is still so fresh in my memory, he was like my second daddy, I loved him so much and now he was gone.

Anytime anyone you vaguely know dies, its harsh. Its brutal, to think that they will never be seen in this lifetime again. My great uncle was fairly young, I'm thinking he was almost 60. And to think that he's not here anymore, wow. Sad.

I'm not looking forward to going to the funeral, I don't like funerals at all. I know he's gone to heaven and has no more pain, but to think that his family won't see him again here, thats hard.

Today has been shaken by the inevitable... I can only imagine those who have no hope deal with such a tragic occurrence.

beautiful.

2008-04-24T00:12:00.003-04:00

Um, I'm still sick. Kind of. Headache, nose-stuffed up and sound kinda funny when I talk.

However I had to sing tonight, for a dinner. The campus pastors at UNCC go to my church, and the guys in the praise team at UNCC like my voice, and wanted to do Hosanna by Hillsong. (which is no easy feat vocally). So I agreed a few weeks ago. And of coarse, when I'm most needed I get sick.

I was so incredibly nervous tonight, practicing. I could barely hit some of the notes, and that's so embarrassing. I usually never have the problem, but of coarse, these are guys I barely know and its for a pretty important dinner.

After the warm-up practice deal, I text a few friends and asked them to PRAYYY for my voice. I myself joined them. I'm usually never nervous to do anything like this, never ever. But tonight, it was different. I'm used to looking out and seeing faces of comfort. Faces I know. Tonight, there were only a few faces I knew, and I didn't really know anyone on stage, except for Chris and Mike. Who knew how much comfort they could bring to me.

So yes, I was nervous.

We eat dinner, I had a wonderful chat with Jonathan. He has an amazing story. I also saw a few of the girls from Campus Harvest! That was exciting.

After dinner, there is a slide show and some history on the organization... and then we are asked to take the stage.

Chris says a quick prayer, and the first few beats on the djembe begin. There's the strum on the guitar. I'm sitting there counting, waiting for my cue. There we go... its show time.

We sing, we're finish. Applause.

I get a few pats on the shoulder. Great job, whispered in my ear. I sit down... listen to the keynote speaker. There's a closing prayer and we're through!

However! I'm saying my goodbyes, and up walks Toni. She goes to our church, works with the praise team. Vocal coach with the philharmonic in Charlotte. Sings for musicals all the extremely professional vocal things.

She walks up to me, gives me a hug and looks me in the eye and says, "You've got a beautiful voice." AHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you have any idea how happy that makes me!? Oh my gosh! Here I am, with NO professional teaching, I've only sang with the praise team and a few jam bands, and here is the professional telling me my voice is beautiful!!! Ahh! Oh my gosh, I'm floating. Needless to say. I've got this crazy splurt of confidence, that cannot be taken away.

And to my friends... (you know who you are) thanks for praying with me!! You are amazing.

sick tuesdays.

2008-04-22T15:21:00.003-04:00

When my throat started hurting last night, I should've known.

I woke up this morning with an aching head, kind of clamy, and not being able to talk.

I fell back asleep, and woke up around 1, ate some soup and made it to the couch. Now I'm laying on the couch, watching King Of The Hill and really wanting some ice cream and a hug or two.

Its cloudy out, so I don't have a tease to feel bad about lying around all day.

I'd write more, but I can barely see straight or concentrate for more than five seconds.

"You've just been flow-served"

never let this stop.

2008-04-21T15:32:00.003-04:00

Its amazing how when you stop looking for something it just falls into your lap...

laying in the grass

soaking up the sun

walking on the tracks

who knows what's to come.

-----

you and your tye dyed eyes

me and my hair in your face

hands intertwined

never wanting to say goodbye

twenty-one days and we'll be together,

we've done this before

sometimes it feels like forever,

trying to make sense

of this wide distance

not seeing the entire picture

but one things for sure,

neither of us have been happier

-----

my heart honestly cannot express how happy I am right now.

We Will Prevail, We Are Virginia Tech.

2008-04-16T00:30:00.002-04:00

Its been a year. I remember exactly where I was and who I was with when I heard this terrible news. Actually, the people I was with, I haven't spoken with in months, how sad.

We were on our Senior trip, in Orlando. The second day we were there, my friends Joe and Jared were from Lynchburg, and had friends that went to VTech. Joe, Jared, Joanna, Jean, Eric, Jared M and I were in line waiting to ride Peter Pan when Joe's mom called and broke the news to us. I was frozen, knowing that something this terrible had happened, the last major shooting I remember was Columbine, I was in 5th grade. This was so shocking. We all stopped in the middle of the line and prayed for the victims, students, teachers and family members that were living in terror watching it unfold on their television sets.

We went on that day, watched the fireworks, met the Princesses, ate cotton candy, just enjoying our time together... the last few weeks of high school.

When we got back to our hotels we watched it all the happenings on TV, called our parents, and some of us were even trying to get a hold of friends that were at VTech. There was something about that day that tied us all together. What is it about a tragedy that unifies one another? What is it about tragedy that causes us to turn to a higher power? What causes us to fall on our knees and pray? No matter what you believe, you did hope the best for the students, victims and families of VTech that day. But why? Did you put yourself in that situation? Or maybe you had been there before, knowing the angst that your heart experiences and wishing that no one would ever experience that. Who knows why you decided to pray, I prayed because I know that my God will hear me and comfort those who need it. I know first hand that He sends a peace to your soul, and a grace to cope with the situation that is unexplainable. Only to be explained by the super-nature of God.

I know that I have gotten off on a huge rabbit-trail, and that this is to remember the Hokies today, and I am remembering them. I also thought it a good opportunity to probe your mind a bit, asking why did you do what you did on April 16, 2007.