Shocking my socks right OFF.

Wow! Isn't God just so amazing?

Just this week I have been having a very dry, fruitless, boring, dull everything basically. Especially in the spiritual aspect of my life.

Waking up this morning was so hard, I did not want to go to church, I'd much rather lay in bed... and pity myself. 

How pathetic? I had such a hard time this morning, waking up, showering, getting ready and even riding to church. I was just so incredibly distracted. Never the less, I picked apart the praise and worship in my head, kept thinking about my week, and what needs to be done, and what I was going to do in the afternoon. 

PITIFUL.

I was so distracted, I wasn't getting into God... I was tired, extremely discouraged... and I felt like everyone could tell. It seemed that everyone was looking right at me... Terrible eh?

OH yes.

We sit down, I still can't concentrate on anything... I'm spacing out, and someone even asked me this morning if I was actually here... I answered.. "no"... because I wasn't, I couldn't home in on any one person or conversation, I couldn't speak to anyone... I was being distracted like none other today... Terrible.

We had a guest speaker from Raleigh/ Durham today, Taylor Stewart... and WOW he's amazing. I think he had been reading my mail or something...

He's speaking about all these things that have been going on in my head, straight up telling me what I should do...  WOW. God you are amazing... Today was total confirmation that God is real... Thank you Jesus! 

I hadn't doubted that God was real, but sometimes I question what I am doing with my life, why am I believing in Christ? What's the point... The point is to love.

Anyway, the speaker had used the exact words as I had used earlier this week... everything being "DRY and DULL" and that we need to "WAKE UP" we need to pray for God to WAKE US UP. 

Anyway, he used a verse from Job, and I cannot find it tonight, it is something along the lines of a tree that is famished, it whithers up because it has no nourishment, the roots curl up and dry out, it looks dead, it has no fruit... however... when the tree is watered... the roots are deep and nourished and the tree that once looked dead is full and green...

ANYONE have the passage for that??????

Anyway... The past few weeks I have been fascinated with trees, and how amazing they are, and how different and unique they are...  Just like us... as Christians.... Also, this verse can be used to describe our walk with God... when we are praying and seeking God daily... are steadfast and earnest about our walk with Him, we have a fruit... love, joy, peace, patience, kindness... you know Galatians 9... But when we put God on the back burner, our hearts, our life doesn't produce as much fruit... we might look dead... but our hearts are still beating... we are just going through a dry time... and that is exactly what I have been going through lately.... 

Everything today was totally amazing... I am so happy that I am not the only one who deals with dull times, I need to be woken up... and today certainly did it...

Not to mention, today he had us turn in our Bibles to Ephesians, and on that page, I had written beside a verse... "Prayer for 2008, God PLEASE wake me up." HOW COOL!?

let's go camping...

:)

ciao.

psalm 63.

1 O God, you are my God,

earnestly I seek you;

my soul thirsts for you,

my body longs for you,

in a dry and weary land

where there is no water.

2 I have seen you in the sanctuary

and beheld your power and your glory.

3 Because your love is better than life,

my lips will glorify you.

4 I will praise you as long as I live,

and in your name I will lift up my hands.

5 My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;

with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

6 On my bed I remember you;

I think of you through the watches of the night.

7 Because you are my help,

I sing in the shadow of your wings.

8 My soul clings to you;

your right hand upholds me.

9 They who seek my life will be destroyed;

they will go down to the depths of the earth.

10 They will be given over to the sword

and become food for jackals.

11 But the king will rejoice in God;

all who swear by God's name will praise him,

while the mouths of liars will be silenced.

everything is dry and dull...

WAKE ME UP LORD.

zombie.

I've come to the conclusion that most of my blogs are done half awake... in a zombie like stage... I don't even know if I am fully aware of what I'm saying, thinking or feeling. However, I'm sure that within this state of mind my true feelings emerge, and I don't sit back and think about out to word things, or if it is really necessary to even post.

That being said. I think I am somewhat conscious of what I'm saying tonight. :)

I have this booger of an ant bit on my middle toe... it really hurts, I'm trying not to scratch it, I give in almost every time.

Tonight, I'm watching one of these new summer television shows. I promise I don't normally watch TV and if I do its normally something completely mind melting like the Simpsons, or educational like Nat Geo or Discovery. However this show is called "Baby Borrowers"... say what? Its these teenage couples... who just know they are right for each other and plan on having kids... These kids are put into a house, and given babies... then todlers... then pre-teens... then kids their own age... WHAT?

I find it hilarious... these girls are pathetic... they want babies, but cringe to change their diapers, don't feed the baby- (because the baby is crying), they refer to the child as "it"... I can't believe it. These kids are in for a wake up call, that's for sure.

So I'm a terrible person... I feigned an illness tonight, to get out of work... I have had a headache for a few days now, and called in this afternoon telling them I have had migraines all week... 

I'm a terrible, terrible person. Please forgive me.

I'm really wanting to go to a show... I haven't been to one in a while, I'd like to go with some friends and just chill... buy some buttons and maybe a tshirt? that'd be nice... All the good bands are on hiatus or not in the country... What's with this? I'm so sad.

Just Watch The Fireworks

Something about this song by Jimmy Eat World..

"Here you can be anything.
I think that scares you.
I've been here before but only by myself.
What giving up gives you and where giving up takes you.
I've had and I've been.
Here in center frame, there's only air.
Just enough space to fit.
I said it out loud over and over but what do I know.
I said it out loud but it did not help.
I'll stop now.
Just so I can hear you I stay up as late as it takes, as long as it takes.
I promised I'd see it again.
I promised I'd see this with you now."

I don't think I know what a day with out a headache is like.

in regard to my previous post...

i know that everything I'm going through right now.. is completely worth it.

sometimes I disgust myself.

I can't believe that I have let myself get so caught up in this distance. YES! It is so incredibly hard, and YES! I should be able to be sad because I don't get to see him as much as I'd like... but seriously... I shouldn't allow not talking for a day or two get me down... I understand that our schedules are off and not very convenient for any type of conversation... Its so tough... Today was especially hard, just like last week... I start to doubt, and that is not good. I've been reassured that nothing has changed... but its just so hard for my mind to grasp that. I know its because it will be three months before we see each other... I was prepared for this, I knew what was coming... I just didn't think it would be this rough...

What disgust me is when I hear other girls talk about how great their guy is... how they spent the weekend or went to lunch... but then I look at their relationships and see how surface they are and how they probably couldn't go 5 hours with out seeing each other or holding hands or sucking face.

I just need to get over it.

I know! that our times together are the sweetest times. I know that come August everything is going to be amazing... and this school year will be the best yet... I'm just stuck in a trough... and can't really seem to get out of this self-pity stage of my relationship... I want someone to understand... I just can't find anyone who will take the time and just listen to me... Anytime I try to talk to anyone its always compared to their relationship, or friendship with someone... I don't want advice... really... not now... I just need someone to listen...

On top of all of this work has been pretty shitty. No lie. I really don't mind the office job, but I know for sure that I don't want to do it for the rest of my life.

There is this lady... I prefer to call her "Hawk"... Apparently there isn't enough work for her to do... so she has to make sure I'm doing something... and will not leave me alone... today... I spent my lunch in tears because I can't handle it... I had no idea she was like this either... 

I just don't enjoy it very much at all.. feeling like I have to stand up to a certain standard... when I honestly am there to direct phone calls.

I think I am very professional, for a 19 year old atleast...

!!!!!!!!

I'm SUNBURNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:(

never allow me to set foot into a bookstore...

... at least by myself...

I honestly think I spent a good 30 minutes staring at the C.S. Lewis shelf in Borders... a pathetic collection I might add... However, there were still many great choices. I found a neat step-stool and sat on it for a while... Trying to decide, I narrowed my choices down to "The Great Divorce" and "The Four Loves" (correct me if I'm wrong with that title, my memory has failed me tonight). Moving along, I decided on "The Great Divorce", I can't wait to dig in and enjoy. 

With my new "office" job, I have nothing to do. Except answer phones, and chat on Facebook... as exciting as that sounds it gets quite boring and monotonous. So I decided to start reading more, like I used to... So I grabbed a book that's been collecting dust on my night-stand for quite sometime, it doesn't deserve that! It should be read, I finally thought. So I thew it in my bag with my English muffin this morning. I'm already to chapter 8... CRAZY! I sometimes think I miss the phone ringing... I'm paranoid I will... So I try to stop every 5 minutes or so and take a breather... wow does time fly.

I also bought a book with tons of Eliot, some I've never heard of! I'm stoked to dissect that as well... I really should be an English major... 

I digress...

Its summer time... and this summer seams to be so un-eventful... however stress-free and quite relaxing... I'm getting much more sleep... partly because there is no cell-phone service in Madison, Mississippi... That's okay though... It gives me alone time, that is sometimes very much needed. Granted I do miss those phone calls... =( Its all good though! about 5 weeks if I'm not mistaken... =)... I can do this.

Its crazy how so much can change over a span of just a few months... I'm still flabbergasted (nice word eh?) about all the sudden changes and new interest in my life... I love it.... everything feels right.

I haven't updated in over a week, my apologies... I'll try harder next time.

i'm painting my room... its all turquoise, green-blue, aqua color... I like it lots...

the fumes are intoxicating, I can't WAIT until its all dry.. 

:D

I wish I wasn't a people pleaser...

I need out... 

Everything I've committed to in the past few months has completely flopped... No one else seems to have the heart to match mine in my endeavors... I want out, I'm through... let someone else take this on for a change...

I'm sick of trying to please everyone, and being miserable inside, knowing that I can be on to bigger and better things...

Give me the strength to stand up and say no.

no one said it would be easy, they only said it would be worth it.

This has been a testy week for me... actually knowing you are limited on a phone conversation is so tough for me to comprehend... not being able to contact the one you think about most is so hard! I'm getting through it though... I've learned that the times you speak are very very sweet and should be enjoyed to the very last minute. I don't believe I've ever been so sad to hang up the phone... thirty minutes later I send a text message and the conversation precedes. Its not the same, it is really hard to know that you can't just pick up the phone to sent a message or to see if he has called. I was sad lastnight, no lie. We were talking on IM on Facebook... its just so different, I can't describe things like I would over the phone, and I can't hear his voice to see if he's picked up on my joke, or is understanding what I'm trying to put across... Its changed, its made me realize how much I can miss someone... how much it really hurts. I cried lastnight... for no apparent reason, other than the fact that we can't really do anything to contact each other... its so tough, I know I will get through it... I know that he will too!!!!! Its just going to take a lot of will power and faith.

On a brighter side, I did buy Tim something today... (he's probably going to read this and wonder) and I've written a short letter... :D I'm excited... I love giving things... I hope he likes it!